When you're a statistic, everything is more in focus.
A few weeks ago, I came in to work and everything seemed a bit strange. Work was getting shelved that was recently important and my urgent request emails weren't being returned. My director went in for a meeting with our manager and then when he came out, I was asked to come in. It hit me what this was on my way to the office.
I had been let go and so had my director. The company had been really trying to pull itself out of a quagmire of issues and with the economy doing a nose dive, it was the last straw. The investors were ordering downsizing and the people who were going to stay were going to have to make some sacrifices as well. In my manager's defense, it was an emotional thing for him to do, and we all liked working with each other. There was just no getting around it. I left the office, talked to my director a bit, grabbed a few things and headed home on the 4 train.
The Gate to the Hundred Acre Woods
When I was young, we lived on a rural farm in Oklahoma. No other kids to play with, nothing else around for miles except lots of land, cows, farming equipment, abandoned oil well equipment, and undiscovered ways to amuse yourself with the isolation you haven't yet realized will start to make you a weird kid.
The ambient sounds. Oil pumps scattered out on the land, working day and night and going up and down to pull the sludge out from the earth. You could see at least three at anytime in any direction and they made a drumming noise in repetition; thut thut, thut thut, thut thut thut. You fell asleep to this noise in the distance, you woke up to the same. Menacing looking machines too, as dangerous as any rail road crossing. Where I went to school, we didn't watch films about the dangers of drugs, we watched films about the dangers of Rail Road Crossings.
An Adventure, A Love Poem
After graduation in 1995, I decided to take some time off and fly to Australia for the first time and I had this plan where I was going to fly for free on Military Space-A travel as I was in the military reserves at the time. Space-A (Available) travel means that any military plane that is going your way and has a seat open, you are free to take it providing no one who has higher priority orders (medical, emergency leave, etc.) or have higher rank will bump you out of your slot. I made it from Oklahoma City to Honolulu, Hawaii within a day and a half and hadn't paid a dime for the travel and no problems getting the flights I wanted. I figured I would hang around Honolulu for a few days then get a plane to Sydney to start my real outback adventure. This was to be my first lesson in the downfalls of half ass planning.
Two days after arriving in Hawaii, the Pro-Bowl football game was to take place, which means many high ranking officers who were football fans would be staying in town and on base, which means, there would be no space for a brand new Lt. who was on no official orders other than just romping all over the world and seeing the sights alone. I was kicked out of my adequate hotel and too poor to afford anything off base. I wound up sleeping in the Hickam Air Force Base, Air Terminal while my bags stayed secure in a locker. I began to ask quickly for flights to Sydney.
As I would come to find out, reservists traveling Space-A travel are only allowed to fly to U.S. Territories. The closest I could get to my destination would be Guam. I was really upset about this. I tried to see about flying on my own dime from Guam to Sydney, but it was about as expensive as flying from the states and I had no passport on me. After giving up and planning my next flight back to the states, I became painfully aware that Space-A is no way to travel if you really want to get out of somewhere quickly. Planes were being grounded for maintenance and I kept getting bumped off flights by pretty much anyone else who needed to get anywhere on a military plane. I wound up sleeping in an airport for about a week with no shower or change in clothes the whole time. I saw Waikiki Beach a few times but resources were limited. Also, if you wanted that next flight going out, you had to camp out over the terminal counter. I was delirious and I was trying not to go insane day in and out of my situation. At one point I decided to do some writing to pass the time and I was talking to Paula on the phone about once every other day, my only sane contact with reality. I decided in my draining state to write her a poem. So here, ladies and gentlemen is my attempt at poetry, as recently found in the archives. I called it "Those Beautiful Eyes."
Things fall down. People look up. And when it rains, it pours.
I find that when I get really down, I start to analyze myself and the things around me as being normal or out of sorts. Am I the one doing things wrong or is the world doing me wrong? It's usually an equal chance of either way but I can account for what I do and the world does as it pleases. Since all I can change is myself, I try to focus on that. You can accept the world as being fair or unjust but you still have to find a way to fit in it.
I once read that when we express anger, we are expressing what we hate about ourselves. We all have regrets and have done things we wish we hadn't. Those regrets and the guilt associated with them weigh on us and shape us into who we are. This is actually good for us to a point; our consciousness needs to be reminded of consequences but some of us out there, we're junkies for it. We need to feel regret and pain or we feel nothing at all because being satisfied just isn't all that satisfactory after some time.
In the past few months I have just begun to deal with all the raw emotions I have been carrying around with me since dad died last year. I'm still angry and I have no real means to reach full closure on that anger. You would think that with my repeated attempts at making things good between us and trying to fix our relationship would earn me a guilt free card in the finality of it all, but it doesn't. In the end I gave up and I resorted to plan C.
In the movies, an estranged father and son get a final moment to see each other just before the end and despite whatever was between them, they get to say they love each other and have a last ditch effort for some closure on both sides. This was my final resort option; my plan C. It didn't go that way because this wasn't a movie and in reality, my father was dead by the time I got word of anything being wrong.
My anger with my dad is coupled with equal empathy. I understood his limitations, and his fears. I'm becoming more understanding still of them everyday. I wanted to push him into being better because I had to push myself all those years ago and it was all I knew on how to react, but in the end it didn't take. My father had many faults but in his core, he loved, and he wished his children well. He simply made bad decisions with his life and if affected his ability on how he treated others.
So what can we live with? What can we forgive? In others? In ourselves? If we make poor decisions and later expect, even demand, to be forgiven because it's now in the past, do we deserve that out-clause? Do people incapable of foresight get a free pass to forgiveness to those who know how exactly every action they make will effect those around them in the future? How much of our own drama are we allowed to release on others knowing we are just projecting our fears for selfish reasons?
I accept that life isn't always fair, love finds a way to transcend, people are flawed, and pain heals with time. Really, I understand this and I am fine with how it all works, except in the meantime, I have to deal with some serious baggage that I am really tired of carrying and the trick is, to find a way to let it go without picking up any more.
I'm not saying any of this is new, these are mostly the realizations that came to me over a year ago when it occurred to me that dad was gone, our actions final, and the people I turned to for support, I had distanced myself quite far from. I find it more rare and strange to hold on to something from a life that made it acceptable to let go. Lifeguards are taught to just let go of a drowning victim that is too hysterical and a danger to themselves and others in the water. I learned to let go at a young age and for a time, it got me through. It's a stark realization when you realize you need people again.
So now then, some time passes by and we all go back into our routines and our lives and our relationships and some would say "it's all in the past" but something needs to be learned from all of this so that it can have some meaning. I see my father's fear in myself and I work hard to overcome it. And, I understand the pain he felt. Being raised up on a survival instinct makes it hard to be an instinctively compassionate person. Not everyone learns how.
Use the regret, love life, keep good company, let go of the regret that serves no purpose.
And I'm trying.
Endurance
My nephew dusty is a big kid. He's 6'2 and looks like he should be playing football as linebacker or a hired muscle for the mob. He's also bright and very considerate of other people around him.
A couple of weeks ago, Dusty came home from school and took a nap since he didn't feel well. When he woke up sometime later, he realized that he couldn't move his legs at all.
He was taken to the hospital and the doctor's couldn’t figure out why Dusty couldn't use his legs. He had some reflexes but not many. For a while those seemed to be leaving him as well and it was getting worse.
By the time I heard about all of this, Dusty was on a plane being flown to Bangor, Maine where he was going to get looked at with an MRI and have more tests run to see what was causing this problem. Alan, his dad, wasn’t allowed to fly with him and had to drive several hours. That had to be a hard drive to make.
After many tests and much poking and prodding of the kid, the best guess now is that he had a stroke.
He’s coming home in a few days and it looks like their family is going to have to make a series of changes. A new home with wheel chair availability to start. New routines, new adaptations. A new standard of normal in daily life.
If you know my sister of just want to send her and her family well wishes, please do so. She’s been very strong and for someone I always thought of growing up as a bit flakey, she’s been a solid rock for Dusty and her family through this. Both her and Alan and the kids have been strong and I am proud of them. Dusty has been keeping a positive outlook on his recovery as well. So far he has regained feeling and control in his left leg but not his right.
Stay strong guys.
Substance over Style
I have to admit, I am jaded with the politics of the current presidential election as well as the upcoming debates. I believe both men are equally suited for the job on qualifications but the tone of civility our nation’s leaders have demonstrated as of late, leave me wanting for a reset button on the whole political process.
In the early days of the campaigns, Bush and Kerry both called openly for their opponent to run a fair and clean campaign. This truce of civility lasted as long as you could say “Vietnam”. Soon afterwards were the non-stop commercials by swift boat veterans that aimed to make sure we all knew John Kerry wasn’t a great commander in Vietnam and they wanted to give the impression that everyone in the military didn’t like Kerry. This left the obvious question; why the hell are we talking about Vietnam? What does this have to do with John Kerry in 2004? How does this help Bush since he would like to downplay his own service record? Why should I care about a man's impression of John Kerry when he hasn't had personal contact with him for over thirty years now? Is Vietnam going to be the focal point on picking our president?
It was a red herring and the fact that it got so much attention is proof that we fell for it. So the lesson learned is; let a third party with no real ties (supposedly) to the political party fight your dirty battles for you leaving your opponent on the defensive. If you can make a man with three purple heart medals from fighting as a volunteer in a foreign war look unworthy for his country, who can't you go after?
Kerry responded to the attacks, he had no choice. His campaign was so on the defensive that he came across angry, his return attack ads that soon followed didn’t help his image either. With Kerry, you have a paradox that seems to elude many, but still leaves a quandary about the man. Kerry is (sometimes) an anti-war candidate, and then he isn’t. He wanted to appeal to the anti war movement that grew strong but made certain to not put both feet in the issue. He also wanted to appeal to the undecided voters who favored Bush on his Iraq policy; this leaves you looking like a flip-flopper when your opponent exploits the fact and he should have seen it coming.
Kerry has been fighting a “whatever position is necessary” strategy to win and many of the people who radically oppose Bush seem to excusing this because they have also adopted the same philosophy to get Bush out of office. The problem with this position is that it leaves a lack of substance from the Candidate, from the party, and from the supporters. I want to like Kerry but it is looking more like it makes little matter as to which man wins. The policies change here and there but the tone has already been set for both administrations and they both look quite similar. From the most radical supporters on both sides you have private agenda’s that do not reflect the sum of what it should mean to be our president.
Unless John Kerry finds his mark tonight at the first of the three debates, I predict that George W. Bush will win a second term by another close, but more accurate, election in November.
(published on watchblog)
Fraser Island Weekend
This weekend was full of beauty and adventure, some more than we asked for.
When you get to Fraser Island, there are no real roads. Once you get off the barge from the mainland, you drive your 4x4 along the beach to get from point to point which means you have to be aware of the tides as at high tide, driving along the beach can be impassable.
We drove all the way up to the northern point of Fraser Island; Sandy Beach. Access was limited and we got stuck a few times and helped others get unstuck. Everyone helps each other out of the sand.
At sandy beach, I put on my snorkel gear and got in the water, it was slightly cold but easily tolerable. The white sand created reefs in the water which made the beach calm, clear and blue with white bottom. It was the most beautiful beach I had ever seen.
I swam and played with the fishes and they played back. I met a whiting fish, I named him Elmo. He followed me around, It was a thing we had.
I fished for a short while. Fishing in the ocean is different than fishing in a lake or river.
We swam in Eli Creek that flows out to the ocean. Tour groups were there and people all around but no one would get in the water. We did and ran upstream only to float back down into the calm ocean water. The next day people were getting in Eli creek.
There are rain forests all over the island. We drove inland to check them out and it was beautiful tall thick forest of trees with sand roads that made it a chore to get through. Lake McKenzie was the most colorful blue beach I had ever seen. The blue gradients were right out of a postcard.
Lake Wabby was a fun large sand dune that is enveloping a small deep lake right off the coast. It was a bit of a hike to get there and back but worth it. The lake was contrast to McKenzine, it has the most emerald green tint to it with the yellow and white sand spilling into it.
On the way back to Brisbane to catch our flights, we were trying to get through some dense rain forests and trying not to get bogged down in the sand when the 4x4 had a run in with a menacing looking tree. We hit full on. No one was hurt but settling up with the hire company is going to be fun. It was no one's fault, it just happened and we all walked away without injury. Had the tree not been there, things could have been worse as there was a steep slope going down the edge of the road.
Racing against the clock and dealing with many people, we had to arrange last minute travel back to Brisbane only to make our flights back to Sydney with moments to spare. We were tired, exhausted, a little stressed over the days events but the weekend held moments that were priceless and unforgettable. It was a fantastic weekend and the people were great. It was an awesome birthday.
Finding John
Dad is being moved from the hospital to a nursing home next week for rehabilitation, which is probably best considering the last time I saw his house, it was rancid. He can't take care of himself any longer so being somewhere around new people and away from his "dodgy" friends who have leeched off him long enough now, can only be a good thing.
I can't for the life of me begin to understand what brought him to this. It's as if he purposely threw his health in the toilet because he does not want to live any more.
I don't understand the concept of giving up. But then, I am not my father.
In all the issues between us, and there are many, I decided that no matter what he's done in the past, no one should die ashamed about their life. So I am going to try and give him some dignity in the time he has left and save the anger and the questions for after he's gone.
Maybe in the process, my soul can find some redemption as well by not understanding too late and having done nothing about it.
Political Gaff for Gore
In the great election of 2000, Al Gore ran against George Bush in a bitter and close race for the presidency. At the last moment I decided to root for Al because when you look at the history, Al deserved it more as most of his life had been spent in public service. Then big AL won, but they wouldn’t give it to him. Even the Republican Party is starting to concede to that fact with a bit of a sneer and a wink. We all felt sorry for Al.
Yesterday, Al Gore came out of the political closet and to much of everyone’s surprise, endorsed Dean Howard for President. This was odd for two reasons. First, everyone would have assumed he would have backed up his old running mate in 2000, Joe Lieberman. Second, everyone wandered what was going on in the background of the Democratic Party in terms of the Clintons, Joe Lieberman, Al Gore, and Dean Howard. It was a political pajama party and Joe got left in the cold.
Joe had put off joining the political race in the first place because of a promise he had made to Al back in 2000 that if Al wanted to run again, Joe would not run against him. Nice guy, but obviously the sentiment fell short on his old pal Al.
There are theories all around about what is going on behind the scenes, for the latest conspiracy just turn the dial to Fox News. Whatever the reason, the guy who I thought deserved it more back in 2000 just fell a few notches short in the stand up guy department. By all of the snubbing the event has received from both democrats and republicans alike, the outcome was probably less than what Dean had hoped for.
I am Jack’s sense of disillusionment to the fact that the political parties really are about revenge and 'getting even' as opposed to a unified idea of government.
(published on watchblog.com)
Finding It
On the plane a few days past, it rained calmly and I had some time to reflect on some of the emotions I have had since being far away from the place I call home. I've been happy here. I've been happier here than I have been in a long time and knowing this, I thought it needed examination.
It wasn't the change in geography that brought me the happiness. It wasn't the expectations of what I was doing here nor was it the adventure. It was something more than that.
Friendships are a precious commodity. Lifelong friendships are worth more than anything. True friends stick by you when you make mistakes and don't have excuses when you need help or support.
I have a few friendships that I consider as essential to my life as water. If I admitted to them as much, it would probably be a surprise for them to hear. I have others that I try to maintain but find myself wondering why. I'm so tired of all the lines being drawn and the sides being taken. I wasted much energy in these things over the past few years. I fear many of us will someday realize that we kept ourselves too distant, by means of nurturing our own ego.
You shouldn't have to ask yourself if the people you want to be involved in your life are people that you can count on, you should just know.
As I mentioned before, upon thinking of these things on the plane, as it rained calmly outside, I found that I was happier than I had been for a very long time. Somewhere on the other side of the world, I forgot these things that weighed down on my mind and quietly kept me hostage from happiness. I forgot to concern myself with these things that don't really matter and the people that hide in the shadows for too long.
So, on a plane, somewhere on the other side of the world, in a country where I knew only a handful of people, on a journey all alone, without any great signs or revelations, I found myself looking out of the window with a smile on my face. I had found something that I have been looking for, for a great long time and I was simply overcome with the happiness of it.
