And so it goes...
And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."
- Narrator, Magnolia (1999)
Little Miss Sunshine
I haven't seen a movie better than this in years. Quite possibly perfect. The kind of movie that reminds you that you still have a soul. After the worst movie ever last week, it was nice to see something still being made that won't embarrass us all in a thousand years when aliens dig through our remains.
Worst, Movie, Ever.
I can't begin to tell you in proper detail exactly how horribly stupid the movie Pulse is but I will try to give you the run down. I would warn you that my rant here will be spoiler filled but if you want to see this movie after I have warned you, then you're dead to me. I had a goal to find at least 30 ways this movie sucked so here it goes;
1. We get it, we are all plugged in with our cell phones and our PDA's and our text messaging and our wireless connections, I wonder if it will some how be the downfall of us all? Seriously, like 20 min into the movie they can't drop the pushing on us how digitally connected we all are. At one point instead of screaming, I thought she was going to pull out her phone and text "OMG, AUUUGHH!" to all of her friends.
2. Somehow, we find out that Red Masking Tape will keep the booglies out. How the hell did they figure that out?
3. The booglies want to capture you and suck out what I thought was your soul, turns out it was your "will to live" which makes you both want to die and infects you with something that consumes you or makes you wall paper. Except that the only kid you see actually kill himself is the first kid to go (with phone cord, that is sooo deep). After that they go away screaming, which seems to suggest, a will to live.
4. Wes Craven made this movie, which is the remake of another crappy Japanese movie of the same name, which is a remake of about 20 other teen horror movies that Wes Craven crapped out of his brain.
5. The original guy who was part of the team that found the booglie's signal which brought on this horror, somehow got away from the slaughter and made it back to his room, and somehow had 20 rolls of red tape and somehow put it up on every square inch of his walls within seconds before the booglies came after him too.
6. What the hell are the booglies anyway? I call them booglies for fun but they weren't really defined in the movie except it was implied they are the dead trying to come back to get what they want from us, our life. Except when they suck out your will to live, they don't come back to life or anything.
7. How the hell do you write a computer virus to stop the booglies from coming through your computer?
8. The black guy didn't turn to dust, he was sucked into the wall, why did he die differently?
9. what was up with the skinned cat?
10. How many times does a computer have to run without being plugged in before it stops freaking you out?
11. The stupidest kid in any class you grew up with, figured out before the main girl in this movie did to throw out the mother$&%*'n cell phone from the car, even after the radio tells you that the booglies come in through the connection.
12. Why do all the kids in this movie live in really freaky crack-house types of apartments? We get it, they are so nerd, ipod carrying emo cool.
13. Why doesn't anyone have a laptop? Everyone has a tube monitor from about ten years ago and yet can all afford expensive cell phones.
14. Who forgot to take the blue filter of the camera before sooting this film? It didn't work for Mel Gibson and it didn't work here either.
15. Why are half the scenes from the trailer not actually in the movie? NO ONE jumped off a water tower. Bitches.
16. Why do the booglies just sit an d look at you through your computer monitor and let you look at them? Why does Hell only have a 56k connection judging by the quality of the video. Why do they ask their victims on the computer if they want to meet a ghost? Is it like the vampire rule where they can't kill you if you don't invite them in, or are they just being pricks?
17. Why was the first dead friend asking for help via IM? Was he still himself in the booglie hell? Would he not become one of them trying to be a prick on someone's computer?
18. With gazillions of dead people sucking out your will, why was it the same looking guy going after everyone we saw getting killed?
19. Could the lead girl in the movie possibly wear any more ironic t-shirts?
20. Why Ohio? I mean sure, I always assumed the downfall of humanity would start in Ohio but they never explained why a university there? Why not MIT or something more plausible?
21. Who was the creepy old dude in the library at the very beginning? Did he get paid off by the booglies who wanted to be pricks?
22. What was with all the eye makeup? was she trying to fool the ghosts into thinking she was already dead? Oh, right, Ironic shirts and all...
23. Bathtub scene, side-on car collision scene, virus upload will save us all; Reused and tired schticks used in 50 other horror films, why even do a remake if you can't even be innovative in re-telling the story.
24. Most of the time you were supposed to be seeing the booglies, they kept flickering the screen like a bad monitor about to give out. This seemed to be a cheaper effect than actually showing us scary booglies.
25. Why did the booglies even bother hiding from the lead girl in the beginning like in the bathroom scene when they were all GOTCHYA! with all the other friends?
26. Why did the booglies come out of dumb places like the dryer instead of just coming through a wall or a door. I mean, when your a dead creature from the beyond, do you need to keep being a prick just for the effect? Your already scary just by saying "Hi".
27. Guy from "Lost", also another one of the pretty people who know a lot about computers and can't seem to get a job. damn hippies.
28. Why did Josh make a video diary? I mean, if he's so connected, why didn't he blog? or podcast? Hmn? Hmnn?
29. When the girl almost got her will sucked out, how did the guy pull her away, I mean, why didn't they just smack him around too?
30. In the end we lost the war and all of humanity had to evacuate to the areas where there was no mobile phone or signal (leaving parts of Ohio and South Korea) "We lost the cities to them" Of course with no humans in those cities to run the generators to power those devices, wouldn't it all be a done deal in a relatively short period of time?
moovie ignrantce, aaight?
If you are in a movie theatre and you check your mobile phone every five minutes for a text message, your not only an asshole, you are so not that important. Yes, the glow from your screen is friggin' annoying to the people around you.
If your phone rings and you answer it and start up a conversation, your a special level of needy asshole. Wow, look at you! your beeing seen on a mobile phone in a public place. You indeed have friends. Welcome to 1996. Glad you could make it.
If you keep talking to your pal next to you at full voice about what is going on in the movie, your an asshole. Yes, the cross-gendered X-men villain was a little giggle worthy but you went on and on about it. YES, mention it three more times. That is SO funny.
If you don't give a crap that your home made sammich you brought in was done so in tinfoil and is loud as hell opening up as well as dropping your empty aluminum can several times, your a special level of cheap bastard asshole. I understand a coke here is $9.50 but could you at the very least be somewhat discreet with your aluminum mother$%&% can?
If you laugh or clap at every single little thing in the movie, your not an asshole, just really annoying. It's not required to share your level of enjoyment with everyone else in the theatre. Plus, it would help a little if you were consistent in which side / team / hero / villain you were rooting for.
Memorial day brought all the fun people out to see a movie this weekend.
Crash
Sometimes I am glad I don't always catch a movie when it's in the theatre and getting all of the hype from box sales and media campaigns. Sometimes you are blessed with a movie like Crash that really triggers a nerve in you that might have otherwise put you off if it had been shoved down your throat like anything else. Sometimes you are suprised to find Hollywood still has a soul.
Crash is a new favorite. The acting, the soundtrack, the imagry, the tone; all were supurb but the message was something almost sureal. Every so often a movie comes out that really seems to capture the tension of the time it was made. This movie has been compared to Magnolia in the reviews I have seen (another good film but not nearly as good) but I kept thinking of the 1991 movie Grand Canyon to pair this to. Both were even a picture of the same city but much different times. Like the kid who used to get beat up in the school yard, now a little tougher for it now but lost a peice of himself getting there.
Fourteen Hours of Jessica Alba
A clear indication of how Hollywood has reached a new level of suck lately is by my cinema choices for the long haul to Australia on Qantas Airlines on Sunday:
1. War of the Worlds (seen it)
2. *Bewitched (would rather jab my eyes out with needles)
3. The Fantastic Four (seen it)
4. Fever Pitch (not a Jimmy Fallon fan)
5. Land of the Dead (it stars Dennis Hopper.. 'nuff said)
6. *Lords of Dog Town (I'm not 17)
7. Herbie (would rather jab my eyes out with needles)
* Is only being shown because it has an Aussie lead actor in it
I think this is a ploy so that if any plane is ever attacked by terrorists, you will not scream or cry, but welcome the sweet death to put an end to the torture.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Smith is the movie this year that far exceeded my expectations. I have to say though, I was sold on it just after seeing Angelina in a leather outfit in the first half of the movie. The story was fun and the action was great. Not to be un-noticed but the pun of Adam Brody (The OC) being interrogated by Brad and Angelina wearing a fight club t-shirt was not only a humorous tug at Brad's previous blockbuster hit but also a slam at the OC for always pulling pop culture references out every five minutes on their show. Vince Vaughn was a complete asset to the show as well. It had a different style to it that made some of the over the top action forgivable and the soundtrack was good if not ammusing in some moments. Apperently it's going to help save the box office this summer as pulling more than it's weight with a $51 million plus opening weekend.
Star Wars 3, Revenge of the Sith
George finally redeemed himself with the third installment of the last of the Star Wars saga. I think the reason for the success of this film over the other two is that this one, above the rest, brings us back to the Star Wars we remembered from years ago. The plot was well thought out and wrapped up everything nicely within the Star Wars universe. The action was fun and the effects were great, but not one of the characters in the movie this time around. George finally relied on the story more than the effects as opposed to the last two movies. My only problem with anything really, is the time line. With pace of the movie felt like it took place in just a couple of days, but in the beginning of the movie, Padme tells Anikin she is pregnant and by the end, she gives birth. Not necessarily an issue, but the sense of time didn’t seem to stretch out that long.
Critical Ego
Star Wars, Episode III, which is being released nation wide this friday, is getting a lot of posititive attention from critics and reviewers lately. Well, except for Anthony Lane from The New Yorker who couldn't have hated it worse if he tried.
This is what I hate about reviewers like Lane. If a majority of people are enjoying this movie and giving it good reviews then I have to wonder if his goal wasn't to hate it at all costs just to be the cool kid above the frey.
I bet he was the fist one to fall head over heels for Sideways.
Halle Berry Accepts Worst Actress Razzie Award
"I want to thank Warner Brothers for casting me in this piece of shit."
