venting

I was very surprised what a readership I still have after almost a year of not posting much of anything to this site. Hence why I chose to put up something so personal on my blog thinking it would be an outlet for me to vent on, without too much exposure. When all of the emails started coming in, I got an idea that I should go look at my analytics reports again.

I have taken the last two posts down because as much as I appreciate all the feedback and concerned emails I have received, this wasn't really an accurate projection of what I am thinking / feeling on a daily basis. This was one of those times where you get a little down. Some things are weighing in on you, and you just need some self examination. Introspection is a healthy thing and so is asking questions to yourself that may or may not be true.

Yes, It has been a horrible month so far. A lot of drama, a lot of issues to deal with all at once. It's been a lot to take even for me, and I am used to carrying a pretty good load.

For now, I'm done with the introspection, at least in public anyway. I am done with drama and I just don't have it in me anymore to argue some points that aren't going to change. There's only so much you can take before it becomes very unhealthy. Opening myself here has made me a little more vulnerable than I like and judgmental opinions are pretty much the last thing I need.

I'm a good man. I know to some people out there, I may be the villain in your story, but I am a good man.

thankful

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."
- buddha

"It isn't what you have in your pocket that makes you thankful, but what you have in your heart."
- unknown

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."
- Oprah Winfrey quotes

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
- Woody Allen

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
- Albert Schweitzer

"If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped"
- unknown

"And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream."
- Homer SImpson

the gate to the hundred acre woods

When I was young, we lived on a rural farm in Oklahoma. No other kids to play with, nothing else around for miles except lots of land, cows, farming equipment, abandoned oil well equipment, and undiscovered ways to amuse yourself with the isolation you haven't yet realized will start to make you a weird kid.

The ambient sounds. Oil pumps scattered out on the land, working day and night and going up and down to pull the sludge out from the earth. You could see at least three at anytime in any direction and they made a drumming noise in repetition; thut thut, thut thut, thut thut thut. You fell asleep to this noise in the distance, you woke up to the same. Menacing looking machines too, as dangerous as any rail road crossing. Where I went to school, we didn't watch films about the dangers of drugs, we watched films about the dangers of Rail Road Crossings.

There was a creek near the house that was covered in growth that led into a cave under the highway right next to the house. It was the creek our sewage was dumped into. This cave became my time tunnel. If you could be brave enough to get all the way through the dark, damp, cobweb infested tunnel, you would be rewarded with a trip to another time. I made it through several times actually. Near this creek, the water became more of an actual river on the other side of the tunnel. With the help of a an abandoned pallet crate, this became a sub standard but somewhat able to float boat.

Behind the house, was a road that had a gate to keep the cattle in. Past the gate and up a dirt road a bit was an old feed barn for storing hay for the cattle. The water trough was mildly interesting with the patterns of moss growth on it and the cows that wouldn't let me pet them would have to submit once i corralled them in the barn fence and shut the gate. Eventually when they realized resistance was futile, they uneasily allowed me to love them with simple petting. They never got used to me doing that.

the creek I mentioned earlier went far back into our side of the property as well and became almost a canyon. Nothing much to do down in it except climb on pipes that I discovered later were covered in insulation that had fiberglass particles and left you feeling cut up, but you had no visible cuts.

The two star attractions were the woods just past the canyon end (the Hundred acre woods, aptly named for the Pooh stories) and the cave on the mountain. The Woods were covered in pine needles and had one very large tree that mushroomed up so large, you could walk inside to what felt like a hidden bunker. I made forts in these woods many times, it was my favorite place to be but I never had anything to do there. I found some old lumber and nails once and made my own ladder so I could climb up the trees better. I was proud of that ladder. It was the first thing I ever made, on my own, that had a real purposeful use. On the best of days, it was beautiful in these woods, but it was still just me enjoying them.

The cave in the mountain was my fortress of solitude. A mountain with a water tower on it no less, so there was a neat structure on my fortress. Just a few feet over from the tower, facing towards the town of Cement , Oklahoma just a few miles away on the opposite side was the opening to the cave. I'm sure teenages came up there to get high and have sex and drink beer, but weekdays and weekend mornings, this was mine. I used to imagine the soldiers or Indians who would bunker up in here for defense in a war many years before. Once, I climbed up to the cave just to have a goat jump out at me when I walked in. That's right; a goat attacked me on a mountain with a water tower on it, in a town called Cement.

Sometimes, I would walk into town along the old roads used for the roustabouts checking on the oil wells. Often, it was so hot out there in the summer, you could barely go half a mile without having to take a break in some shade.

We sometimes had dogs. The coolest dog we had was a big white husky who ran away a week after we got him, he didn't care for the fireworks on the 4th of July. I saw him almost a year later on one of my walk abouts and hugged him. I was going to take him home but he had a collar on. Someone else had been calling him their dog for a year now. I figured he was pretty much their dog now since I only knew him a week before he left. I hoped he would come down and visit sometimes, he never did again.

The fields and the land had a sulfur smell to them from the old oil machinery and rusted pipes left everywhere. I used to think there should be a law to keep this from happening (there was) but, eh, the land was kind of ugly for the most part to begin with. Oh, cow pies; that smell was abundant everywhere as well. Cow pies from cold emotionless cows.

I did have one friend I took there, this kid from school, an indian (native american) kid who spent the night once. We went out and played in the forest the entire next day. I remember his face but not his name. He died a few weeks later. I was never really told how except that he "went too fast on his bicycle into a wall" Sounded like an unrealistic explination to me, but what was I going to do, start pointing at everyone and screaming "LIAR!"?

Anyway, I was watching Bridge to Terabithia tonight and it reminded me of the hundred acre woods behind my house when i was a kid. Our house on a farm that didn't grow anything but stupid cows and oil pumps.

You can't always get what you want

This year, which has not been bad at all, has been going by at an incredible, mind numbing speed. Seems like yesterday it was New Years Eve in Times Square and now we are at Halloween again already. This year however, has been different than the past. For the better actually. See, I haven't found out things yet, but I've had to deal with a lot of things I been avoiding and I have had to confront some pretty big fears. Yea, I know, sorry, cryptic and I apologize but, I like to let you in on the fact that I am having these insights, just not as to what they are.

Tomorrow is Halloween night and I was going to try and get back to Oklahoma to be with Nate this year, simply because even though we always video chat every year before and after the event, I haven't been with him dressed up in his little outfit in four years now. It's a trade off to have Christmas and it's an easy choice, but still, how many years does your kid still want to dress up as a Star Wars Clone Trooper? I'm missing out on that and it doesn't go by me without difficult notice. So we video chat again and we enjoy the time we spend at Christmas and we hope next year allows us to get both.

hey friend

Remember when you would actually talk once in a while? Remember when you used to just hang out, comment on things, be a pal? Yea, I do. You don't do that anymore. At least not with me. Sorry if things got too much for you or your new job got too hectic, but see, friends don't disappear. Friends don't back off and friends don't blame it on work. We all have jobs that kick our ass and a life full of obstacles, yours is no different.

hey friend.

Typhoid Beau

Last week while I was in Oklahoma, I managed to not get sick from allergies. I did however get food poisoning, or so I thought. After hurling up for a day and feeling sore all over, I felt a lot better the next day and vowed never to eat at that place again, I thought it was a done deal.

Over the following week, many people I have known have found themselves also hurling up for about a twenty-four hour period and feeling pretty much like crap. Today, the news is reporting a bug that is hitting everyone all over the US.

I'm sorry America. I won't eat there ever again.

The Anna Nicole Smith on-going timeline for Dummies or those having only a vague partial interest and need cliff notes to keep up.

*Most background information was pulled from her Wikipedia entry.

I used to be a little obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith back in her Guess modeling days when I was in college. It was ruined pretty much right after I heard her speak. But what I can't get over is, when her show came out and it was obvious and apparent to everyone watching how messed up she was, where were the people who cared for her?

Quick Reference Time line of Anna Nicole Smith ----

some people

You know that girl that was in your freshman year in high school who made a big deal over the social status and you just knew talked about people every time they were not around? The one who wasn't terribly good looking but thought of herself as the bee's knees and would get mad at parties if everyone didn't make her feel special and important? And heaven forbid, if you ever crossed her, she would make it her goal to not just get even, but to out do you at every aspect all the while making fun of you for the same thing she does to everyone else.

yea, that.

An adventure, a love poem

After graduation in 1995, I decided to take some time off and fly to Australia for the first time and I had this plan where I was going to fly for free on Military Space-A travel as I was in the military reserves at the time. Space-A (Available) travel means that any military plane that is going your way and has a seat open, you are free to take it providing no one who has higher priority orders (medical, emergency leave, etc.) or have higher rank will bump you out of your slot. I made it from Oklahoma City to Honolulu, Hawaii within a day and a half and hadn't paid a dime for the travel and no problems getting the flights I wanted. I figured I would hang around Honolulu for a few days then get a plane to Sydney to start my real outback adventure. This was to be my first lesson in the downfalls of half ass planning.

Two days after arriving in Hawaii, the Pro-Bowl football game was to take place, which means many high ranking officers who were football fans would be staying in town and on base, which means, there would be no space for a brand new Lt. who was on no official orders other than just romping all over the world and seeing the sights alone. I was kicked out of my adequate hotel and too poor to afford anything off base. I wound up sleeping in the Hickam Air Force Base, Air Terminal while my bags stayed secure in a locker. I began to ask quickly for flights to Sydney.

As I would come to find out, reservists traveling Space-A travel are only allowed to fly to U.S. Territories. The closest I could get to my destination would be Guam. I was really upset about this. I tried to see about flying on my own dime from Guam to Sydney, but it was about as expensive as flying from the states and I had no passport on me. After giving up and planning my next flight back to the states, I became painfully aware that Space-A is no way to travel if you really want to get out of somewhere quickly. Planes were being grounded for maintenance and I kept getting bumped off flights by pretty much anyone else who needed to get anywhere on a military plane. I wound up sleeping in an airport for about a week with no shower or change in clothes the whole time. I saw Waikiki Beach a few times but resources were limited. Also, if you wanted that next flight going out, you had to camp out over the terminal counter. I was delirious and I was trying not to go insane day in and out of my situation. At one point I decided to do some writing to pass the time and I was talking to Paula on the phone about once every other day, my only sane contact with reality. I decided in my draining state to write her a poem. So here, ladies and gentlemen is my attempt at poetry, as recently found in the archives. I called it "Those Beautiful Eyes."

Evil in All Things

I try to hold back on the "you're an idiot if.." comments on here. I'm successful at stopping myself about half the time. But during my layover in detroit, I was watching the television and a church camp here in the US was teaching their youth about how Harry Potter is evil. Seriously, I would love to debate someone on this even if they aren't being rational whatsoever. It's fiction. It's a book written and presented as fiction. Where was all this hatred for the fiction on the Chronicles of Narnia? So if you loosely hint some Christianity into the theme it's okay even if it does have animals with souls running about, but a kid who zaps with magic wands and is described as having a character of good morals is a bad thing?

For f#@&'s sake...

If you think the harry potter movies are evil, just put on the skinny black gap pants now because I can't look at you either.

And on a side note: you can have a small minded opinion on politics, or humanity, or religion or respect to other people, but I would argue greatly against the possibility of being small minded about fashion. It's just not possible.

fun things to do on a wednesday night

Perimeter = 100 meters. Length is 14m more than Width. Find length and width.
Unknowns=2.

P=2L+2W=
100= 2(x+14)+2x
100= 2x+28+2x (now combine like terms)
100= 4x+28
100-28=4x+28-28
72=4x (now divide both by 4)

72/4 = 4x/4 = 18
18=x
----------------
Width is 18 meters
Length is 32 meters

To each their own

Today, while waiting in my dentist office, one of the other dentists started chatting with her customer and sniffled a few times. The patient mentioned that she still had the sniffle she noticed from her previous visit and the dentist said she didn't take drugs for it, she doesn't believe in drugs; a holistic approach only. I guess what struck me odd was that she kept going on about it in a lecturing kind of way. As if to automatically defend her position to a customer that was being very agreeable to her already answered question.

What amazed me though, is that she's a dentist. She works with topical and local anesthetics all day. The office boasts about their use of Nitrous Oxide if required or needed in dental surgery and yet this dentist doesn't use anything to fight off at least the symptoms of a common cold?

It wasn't hard to notice that when I left and got in the elevator, one of the office cleric girls got on the elevator with me. She was sniffeling too. Wonder where she picked up that little bug?

Righteous hatred

Once upon a time there was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. But gradually, the number of daily nails dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the first day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He proudly told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there."

'Righteous hatred' is in the same category as 'righteous cancer'or 'righteous tuberculosis'. All of them are absurd concepts."

- Khenpo Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche (Buddhist)

Yet another Farewell Party

A nice farewell evening hosted by Shannon (well done) for James and Victoria who are also parting soon to move back to the UK. It will be sad to see them go, this is the 4th set of friends in the last several months to say goodbye to. However, I do get one last chance to beat James in a game of golf this saturday. October it will be good to see them again.

In the Air Tonight, hold on...

There is something going on in the ether. People seem to be very defensive lately and losing their minds. Please stop.

My mother and I connected yesterday on the phone in a very positive way. It's been a long time since such honsesty but it's a seed I hope to grow.

Violence, Protests, Speeches, and Martial Law

Thailand is under Martial law as the military has decided to overthrow the Prime Minister from his position of power as he attends ceremonies at the UN this week here in New York.

Prime Minister Gyurcsany from Budapest, Hungary has vowed to respond in force against more rioting, the worst Hungary has seen since the fall of communism. The rioting however, was a result to a leaked tape where Mr Gyurcsany admitted his government had lied to the public in the recent elections. Thereby undermining his authority in making such threats.

It is odd to think of two places I have been to where I felt at such peace can be experiencing such turmoil.

The Iranian president attended a UN meeting while French President Jacques Chirac changed positions today in saying sanctions against Iran are un needed. Which seems to be a 180 change from their position when the resolution against Iran using neclear weapons was drawn up. Bipolar or not, I agree with Chirac when he said that he had never seen sanctions being effective in the past.

I am actually going to give our president some praise today when he made it a point in his UN speech to say that America is not at war with the Muslim faith.

Pope Benedict has been withstanding a lot of protests and criticism from the Muslim community from his recent remarks that portray Islam as a violent faith. Honestly, I have no idea what he said as I did not hear the speech, and perhaps it was innapropriate in general or as a man of his position, but something has to be said when responses like the following from the Mujahedeen Shura Council are released in response;

You infidels and despots, we will continue our jihad (holy war) and never stop until God avails us to chop your necks and raise the fluttering banner of monotheism, when God's rule is established governing all people and nations...

This isn't fair to moderate Muslims; to portray them in the same light. But when your loudest public voice seems to be those like the Mujahedeen Shura Council, it's understandable how many not of the muslim faith start to get tunnel vision with their view of the religion.

Gap Tragedy

I am liberal on whatever other people want to wear, really, I am all about self expression through fashion. But seriously, no matter who you are, if you try to pull off Audry Hepburn looking pants, I just can't look at you.

Your not Audry Hepburn nor Michael Jackson and that's not really a bad thing.

Say No to Gap.

Everything's gonna be all right

Dear first half of my thirties; I would like to say it's been fun, and it has. Probably some of the best years of my life so far. I traveled so much and did so many things.

Still I have to say, I am not at a point where I am ready to let you go so, I'm not going to. Enclosed with this note you will find a small amount of the antidote to the poison I injected you with while you were sleeping. This antidote is a temporary agent and will keep you alive and healthy if administered once a week. If you promise not to leave me to be left at the hands of my upper thirties, I will keep giving you the antidote every week so you may live. I didn't want it to have come to this but you left me no choice. I let my twenties go away nicely and what did it get me? Allergies and more hair growing in places I don't even like to think about.

So, play nicely, stick around, get comfortable. We are all going to be just fine. We are going to just pretend like Sunday is just any other day.

48 hours

Three weeks ago, I was piled on my plate a mountain of shit to achieve a goal.

24 hours ago, the goal became unobtainable, due to a system that is just really, really messed the %$^#$ up.

5 hours ago, I found a way around, a compromise to achive the goal in a limited capacity.

1 hour ago, that final plan was shot in the foot and I really had just reached a level of not really giving a rats *&*$ .,ass about it anymore. All because of a single persons inability to sign an overide.

pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed. pissed.

Training

I finally committed to getting back on an exercise routine and the short term goal is to be back on the same training as I did in the military by six weeks, progressively increasing the work out by the week.

I did cardiovascular and strength training yesterday. I think I over did the strength training since today I can't extend my left arm and it feels like I really messed it up. ow.

Things fall down. People look up. And when it rains, it pours.

I find that when I get really down, I start to analyze myself and the things around me as being normal or out of sorts. Am I the one doing things wrong or is the world doing me wrong? It's usually an equal chance of either way but I can account for what I do and the world does as it pleases. Since all I can change is myself, I try to focus on that. You can accept the world as being fair or unjust but you still have to find a way to fit in it.

I once read that when we express anger, we are expressing what we hate about ourselves. We all have regrets and have done things we wish we hadn't. Those regrets and the guilt associated with them weigh on us and shape us into who we are. This is actually good for us to a point; our consciousness needs to be reminded of consequences but some of us out there, we're junkies for it. We need to feel regret and pain or we feel nothing at all because being satisfied just isn't all that satisfactory after some time.

In the past few months I have just begun to deal with all the raw emotions I have been carrying around with me since dad died last year. I'm still angry and I have no real means to reach full closure on that anger. You would think that with my repeated attempts at making things good between us and trying to fix our relationship would earn me a guilt free card in the finality of it all, but it doesn't. In the end I gave up and I resorted to plan C.

In the movies, an estranged father and son get a final moment to see each other just before the end and despite whatever was between them, they get to say they love each other and have a last ditch effort for some closure on both sides. This was my final resort option; my plan C. It didn't go that way because this wasn't a movie and in reality, my father was dead by the time I got word of anything being wrong.

My anger with my dad is coupled with equal empathy. I understood his limitations, and his fears. I'm becoming more understanding still of them everyday. I wanted to push him into being better because I had to push myself all those years ago and it was all I knew on how to react, but in the end it didn't take. My father had many faults but in his core, he loved, and he wished his children well. He simply made bad decisions with his life and if affected his ability on how he treated others.

So what can we live with? What can we forgive? In others? In ourselves? If we make poor decisions and later expect, even demand, to be forgiven because it's now in the past, do we deserve that out-clause? Do people incapable of foresight get a free pass to forgiveness to those who know how exactly every action they make will effect those around them in the future? How much of our own drama are we allowed to release on others knowing we are just projecting our fears for selfish reasons?

I accept that life isn't always fair, love finds a way to transcend, people are flawed, and pain heals with time. Really, I understand this and I am fine with how it all works, except in the meantime, I have to deal with some serious baggage that I am really tired of carrying and the trick is, to find a way to let it go without picking up any more.

I'm not saying any of this is new, these are mostly the realizations that came to me over a year ago when it occurred to me that dad was gone, our actions final, and the people I turned to for support, I had distanced myself quite far from. I find it more rare and strange to hold on to something from a life that made it acceptable to let go. Lifeguards are taught to just let go of a drowning victim that is too hysterical and a danger to themselves and others in the water. I learned to let go at a young age and for a time, it got me through. It's a stark realization when you realize you need people again.

So now then, some time passes by and we all go back into our routines and our lives and our relationships and some would say "it's all in the past" but something needs to be learned from all of this so that it can have some meaning. I see my father's fear in myself and I work hard to overcome it. And, I understand the pain he felt. Being raised up on a survival instinct makes it hard to be an instinctively compassionate person. Not everyone learns how.

Use the regret, love life, keep good company, let go of the regret that serves no purpose.

And I'm trying.

25 years of Mtv

On August 1, 1981, MTV was launched and a world of crap music video was there at our beck and call anytime we wanted them. It was the first of a new era; genre based channel stations that would soon take over cable. Tonight VH1 Classic has been rebroadcasting the first 24 hours of MTV. While chatting online during this event, here are a few of the choice comments made to the videos of the past;

"i'm skirred"
"i thought tesla sang this?"
"wtf is up with the onions?"
"why was there a butcher at the beginning?"
"special, so special.."
"mike hunter, heh, hehehe"
"he's singing to the paintings..."
"threre's nothing good about this song or video."
"i can see his nutsack"
"you're totally singing along, aren't you?"
"Jesus, change it butthead!"
"it doesn't get any gayer than this"
"I was wrong, it just did"
"Joey Buttafuco, the early years.."
"wow, the $36 budget went far in this video dont you think?"
"i'm glad white boy fros went out of style"
"I half expect a star wipe any second"
"he looked like he just forgot his own words (lipsync)"
"is he humping the boat?"
"(Rod Stewert) he made an ugly girl"
"is that Russel Crow?"
"i'm going to hork"
"looks like the start of a really bad porn..."
"it's like hall and oats were horribly reversed in a science experiment gone wrong"
"note to self: songs about briefcases: suck"
"ricky the intern got his moment of fame when they needed another slot to fill of video"
"why's he so angry?"
"because he's missing half his fucking face."
"You will do as the scorpions have done before you..(rock u like a hurricane)"
"air sax..hold on..i need both hands for this."
"split endz should have called themselves sucked ass"
"pat benatar's mouth kinda scares me"
"i'm sure video did this band in"

women bloggers

Oh my holy hell. This is kinda exactly what I expect to see when you combine two groups such as women and bloggers together for a few days to talk about... being a woman who...blogs. Give 'em hell Sherri, when you are dooce famous remember the little people.

* please direct all sexist-pig hate mail to the contact form provided. thank you.

Thank You

Whomever paid for my renewal to my dot mac account, I want to say thank you. You are a kind person.

Goodbyes

Time is relative and the last few weeks have been like years.
Three different groups of friends have made their leave of New York this week and time was made to say goodbye to each of them. It's always sad to see a friend leave but happy knowing they are doing what they need to do.

Work and life has been a bit overwhelming lately and I am just feeling a bit run down and disconnected. I'm leaving tomorrow for Oklahoma and so is my sister. July 1st will be One year since dad passed away. All these little anniversaries lately (father's day, day of death, uncle died 9 days later, both their birthdays the next week) are just constant reflections that you choose to ignore or try to absorb but either way, there they are not to be ignored completely. On top of that, Mom has had the last of her Chemotherapy treatments but you can tell it's just taken it's toll on her. Hell, I have a hard time keeping a positive attitude alone without having to keep the attitude up while you get injected with radioactive treatments every month that makes you feel constantly sick and weak. I admire her. Talk to me after a week with a cold sore and see where my tolerance level is.

I have too much affect in dealing with people lately. Tomorrow I get to see my son, and a hug from the kid does wonders for my soul.

Father's Day Prelude

I got a clay mug with no clear finish on it in the mail today with every color of the rainbow painted on it. on the front of it was hand painted "World's Greatest Dad" At the bottom of the box was a card that said on the back "The cup doesn't lie".

Nathan's ticket is booked and my kiddo is coming to NYC next month! I can't wait to show him around the city.

Satan Day, World Ending..

Well, here it is. 06.06.06. There is bound to plenty of weird crap today so if you see it on the news, help me archive how satan has ruled this last day on earth.

somedays you feel like..

you didn't even see it coming, and that makes it even harder to take.

beau in a bubble

Yesterday was a nice day to be in Central Park. Will and I were throwing a football around and enjoying the weather after having a light lunch and walking around. I was starting to break a sweat again more than I should and then it suddenly came on; swollen throat, swollen nasal passages, my right eye swelled up and filled with blood. Before leaving the apartment, I had taken all the over the counter allergy medication I had available.

Beyond the discomfort, it's just embarrassing. I am so tired of feeling fragile. I am tired of not wanting to go out and do anything physical for fear of a severe allergy attack and turning into a mutant around other people. I am going to go and try and see an allergy specialist this week if I can find a good one on my health plan. If anyone has any recommendations in the NYC area I am eager for the advice. I have started a new routine to try and help at home, basically repeating the experiment from a few months ago.

Starting Pilates again tonight on a regular routine. Hopefully I don't go all "HULK GET MAD!" there too.

update: Apointment made at a very well reported Allergy Clinic in Manhattan, the downside is, it's so popular I can't get in 'till the 17th.

tired

I really needed this time to recharge. I really needed this time to get maximum exposure to my son. I'm having a very bad day brought on by a really bad past few weeks. My humor has been sucked dry and I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being silent. I am tired of not being in control of some things around me I need to take control of.

This is me, quietly venting my frustration, anger, and hurt. Tomorrow I will deal with it.

One Week

A little experiment over the next week to see how much difference a week can make in how you feel with lifestyle changes. Over the next week I will be;

- Going to bed before midnight every night.
- Up by 7:30am everyday
- Three good meals a day (two of them high in grain)
- No soft drinks.
- Gym everyday or walking around the city. (alternate upper and lower body)
- Sunlight everyday (hanging outside at lunch or after work)
- 8 glasses of water a day.

Update on how much difference is made in one week.

Four things

Normally, I resist doing these, but out of lack of anything better to post;

Four jobs I've had:
1. Pizza Cook
2. Aircraft Armament Systems Specialist USAF (bomb loader)
3. Prepress Technician
4. Designer

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Iron Giant
3. The Atomic Bomb Movie
4. Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring

Four places I've lived:
1. Decatur, AL
2. Oklahoma City, OK
3. Sydney, Australia
4. New York, NY

Four TV Shows I Love:
1. Family guy
2. Boston Legal
3. Battlestar Galactica
4. Angel

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Paris, France
3. Ayer's Rock, Australia
4. Aspen, Colorado

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Spaghetti
2. Hot Dogs
3. Ramen Noodles
4. Pepper Steak and Lo Mein

Four sites I visit daily:
1. flickr.com
2. airbagindustries.com
3. thismight.be/offensive
4. wonkette.com

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Australia
2. Hawaii
3. On a spaceship
4. On Television

Goodbye 2005

Dear 2005,

I regret that my vocabulary, nay the English language, doesn't have enough adjectives available to describe in full detail the amount to which you fully sucked this past year.

Universally, I'm sure you killed off some really cool star systems that could have been useful to the grand scheme of things or at least interesting to look at. But, you killed the Hubble telescope so who cares anyway.

Globally, you brought us continuing war, more religious intolerance, hunger, more violence, and more of a warming trend with some more-than-usual crap weather. Way to go pal.

Nationally, you got our hopes up that we could run a space program again then slammed the door back in our face. You made us endure seeing Michael Jackson in his pajamas on television, you killed Mitch Hedberg and you let this guy make a video. You let Halle Berry make Cat Woman and allowed Sharon Stone a starring role all at the same time, You made Apple Computer's customer service suck all over again, You made us all fight over things like Terri Schiavo avoiding the real issues, You let Cyan Worlds go under, you let Kevin Costner make another movie. You broke up Jennifer and Brad and replaced Howard Stern with... I can't believe I am saying this; David Lee Roth!!?

But above all, because right now I am very self involved on how bad you sucked for me this year;

Personally, you started off the year with taking away one of my nephews favorite hobbies; walking. You saw my kid take a punch in his first fight. You broke my camera to an extent that the repair cost about as much as a new camera. The lung infection in February, hello? What the hell was that all about? My father passing away in July, My uncle passing away nine days later, my ass of a cousin and her phone call after the funeral. A trip through Europe that was from hell from the start with mild improvements to the end. You bent my laptop, Broke my phone, Hurricane Rita driving my family from their homes and living without power for almost a month, Emergency room visit because I couldn't breath, that ass of a hair salon that shaved my head in Melbourne, Mom's breast cancer scare, Beth's scare with cancer, and the NYC transit strike. Oh and on a side note; thanks for the skin problems and the allergies that surfaced this year.

I hate to end things on a bad note though, so let us recall some good things you did.
My nephew is getting the use of his legs back and has come a long ways from where anyone thought he'd be last year. You brought a few really good travels this past year. You brought new friends and kept some old ones. My son is happy and healthy and my family is a little stronger through all the trials it went through.

Still, overall you sucked 2005. And I have a gun to 2006 right now with a demand for a good year to come. Don't make me angry.

Memories of Dad

One time, a few years back, I was working all night on a deadline for a project in the top floor of the Bank tower in Oklahoma City at my new media advertising job. It was dark, quiet, and cold in the office and I was emotionally drained from killing myself over the project I had been a slave to for the past few weeks. Dad called for no reason that night and decided to come up to the city, about an hour and a half drive from where he was and pick up some food to bring up to me since I had not eaten all day. He stayed for awhile and we chatted over nothing important. He left to go back home about an hour later.

The man had many faults. Many of them too hard to overlook. But sometimes out of the blue, he'd become the man I always wanted him to be, even for just a moment.

I miss you dad.

No Christmas for You

A funny little Christmas flash cartoon that I think sums up a lot of feelings about Christmas in America these days. Finger and all. [nsfw]

Neurotically Yours

oh just go watch all of them. Hi-larious.

Good Luck Mom

Last week my mom found out that she has breast cancer. Today she goes into surgery to have it removed. It was found in an early stage but still, it was cancerous and she will have to go through kemo after it is removed.

In July this year, my father passed away. My sister and I have been
trying to deal with all those emotions as well as a mountain of other crap that has landed on our family this year. I have already started my "And you can kiss my ass, 2005" eulogy to the year to be finished before the new one arrives.

the art of adventure

You know that feeling you get when you go see a really good movie or read a great book? The kind that makes you want to be a part of that thing that's changing the world or making a better and a deeper you? Movies do this better I think because sometimes the musical score is a great way to reach people and move them in a way you can't do with reading.

I am a designer, a photographer, a writer, and an amateur philosopher. I do these things for a single reason; I want to touch other people's lives. I want to reach them and make them see things in a way they didn't before. I want to make them empathize with characters they never knew and live for a moment in a place they have never been. I want some to see there is a world outside the limitations and definitions they placed on it years before. I want to change the world one person at a time and I want to keep my eight-year-old wide eyed point of view with out being taken advantage of doing it. I want to see the world realistically and still keep my optimism for human kind.

I'm a storyteller and that is what motivates me. Tonight I got to realize that again and it renewed a sense of purpose, perhaps clearly for the first time.

I want to tell you a story...

Long Week

It's been a long week around here. Sorry for the lack of posts, I have just been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to make deadlines and get things around for upcoming events. A flickr meet up last week was a few hours of fun at the DBA bar after an early morning photo session at the Fulton Fish Market Closing in Manhattan after 180 years. Guests are visiting this week from the UK, and a ski trip is being planned for after Christmas, but more about that later when some things get finalized.

LA Face with the Oakland Booty

Ray sends me a link the other day of a song file that I didn't quite get the humor at first. Listened for a bit and was thinking this seemed a bit lame, but then it just gently hits you once you are listening to it why it's so milk squirting out the nose funny. Of course now, this song is stuck in the back of my head at work, walking around, trying to sleep, etc. (download song 5.1mb)

Shavin' it off, Shavin' it all the hell off

I give up. I really do. I went to go get a hair cut today and the little asian hair cut girl used the clippers all the way around, over the top and pretty much everywhere I could possibly grow hair on my head. I'm not going over when I say my hair is the exact same length everywhere on my head now. She then used the little scissors to trim something away around the ears, as if it really mattered at this point. By the time I could even pick my jaw off the floor, half the top of my head of hair was just gone. The last time I felt a clipper go across the top of my head was when it all got shaved off in Air Force basic training.

I'm going to go sit quietly now and wait for my hair to grow back.

Nathan

I can't express in words how truely proud I am of my son. I know already enough of his character that he's going to be someone I can be proud of as an adult as well.

Oh, like you never have?

Sitting, looking into the monitor, working out some ideas in my head, I take a bite of my lunch I am eating at my desk unaware of the plotting going on against me.

Cut scene to Beau's Brain: "Dude, this is gonna be cool..." Brain begins to rub imaginary brain hands in a menacing way while laughing an imaginary menacing evil laugh.

Meanwhile Beau is just begining to chew said food when..

Sneeze in 3....2....1....

Rita, Texas Tourist.

Hurricane Rita is headed to the Gulf of Mexico and my family down in Southern Texas has decided to do the smart thing and head for higher ground. Rita has been reported to have a bigger temper than Katrina did, the only positive aspect of Rita is that it's headed a little further west and has potential to lose more steam before hitting land. These rarely come so far in the Gulf of Mexico, but they do on occasion. My Aunt was saying that her town had accepted many refugees from Katrina's disaster, imagine having to evacuate the town you sought refuge in?

I think God is Pissed.
Seems to be with the southern states too.

repent, the end is nigh!

Update The eye of the storm is expected to go right into Port Author, Texas and Beaumont where my family lives. 6000 homes a predicted to be destroyed. I'm relieved to know everyone I know has made it north, I only hope they have a home to go back to. [ Live Coverage of the Storm ]

Update 2 Rita has passed by and the family is all safe. My grandfather decided he wasn't going to stay away another day longer and headed back home to a house with no electricity and no running water. My mom and her husband and my nephew went back with them. Some minor damage but nothing unrecoverable from.

It's been, One Week since you looked at me.

One week free of diet coke and I don't feel any different. No, scratch that. I feel worse. I have headaches and I have a constant urge to nap and I have chewed a bit of ass this week, plus I still sweat too much.

If I don't see some significant improvement around here over the next week, there's going to be some wagon falling on the aspartame defense front. The surprising thing is, is that it has less to do with jonesing for diet coke, than there is no substitute with convince that is more healthy. Yes, yes, water, I know I have water. Water is friggin fan-tastic but I can only do so much of it and it does nothing for you during a 3am all night project deadline. I don't smoke and I don't do coffee so my vice choices are limited.

One more week and the verdict will be in.

Rain Explainer

Email from Nate, yesterday:

hi dad i just wanted to ask you how rain is made thanks

My response to Nate's email, returned shortly after I recieved it:

Rain is made by condensation.
Water on the ground, in the lakes and in the rivers and oceans, heats up by the sun and slowly evaporates (turns from a liquid to a gas, like steam) into the air where it gathers and makes clouds up high. The cooler air in the atmosphere changes the water back from a gas to a liquid. It's then too heavy to remain in the sky so it falls back to the earth in the form of rain. Let me know if that makes sense. I hope that helps answer your question.

Returned email from Nathan today:

it does not make any sence the way you typed it really it ditent
Love nathan

Of course my first response was going to be "It's God crying and probably from something you did." but I decided against it.

happy birthday.

Interpretation

I was walking along when someone comes up to me and says that dad needs my help. I head quickly in the way pointed to me, it's dark but I can see a man on top of a roof doing some repair; it's dad and he looks tired. A single street light seems to be over him making him well lit but not much else. I climb up a ladder and ask him if he's okay and he says he needs a different job, he doesn't like this one. I said I would go find some one and see what I could do. He stops me and says "You know what I would really like to do is to work on (house) guttering." ...

I give an odd look back at him for his unexpected comment and tell him I will see what I can do as I head back down the ladder. On the way down he starts hammering again and it suddenly dawns on me this is a dream.

I start to consider all the obvious metaphors going on in the dream.

I go back up the ladder and dad looks at me.

"Dad, are you dead?"

He looks at me with a half smile like he knows something funny and replies, "Yes".

"Ok."

An awkward pause as we look at each other while reality now permeates into the dream.

"I'm not sure if I can make the guttering job happen then."

- End dream

His Brother Jim

My dad passed away a few days back and Jim, his identical twin brother, who was very ill this last month passed away a few days ago as well on the 12th, one day shy of his 62nd birthday.

I have been in Europe with very little internet access the past few days and just heard myself of Jim's passing. A lot of mixed emotions right now on it all, I still haven't even had time to grieve for dad yet and now this.

I can tell you one thing; I choose to treat Jim's oldest daughter far better than she treated my sister and I the day we buried our father, out of respect for Jim.

I did see Jim while I was in town to bury my father. He looked bad but his doctor had hope of Jim getting better. Jim asked me to come see him. He held my hand and said he was sorry. I was thankful to have that.

I'm in Prauge, Czek Republic for a few days. Looks like I have internet access while I am here. Not the case in Budapest and Vienna.

Right now, I am going to the bar and getting a drink.

Fuck.

My Father

My father passed away in his sleep last night.
Despite everything between us, I loved him.
I'll have more to say about this later, just not right now.

Hold My Hand

For years there have been programs like Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers that helped raise us and tell us a very important message of how special we are. There should have been a follow up to say; "Hey, garbage collectors have a good union too."

I'm a study of human nature, an avid people watcher, reactionary observer and amateur sociologist. Through these observations I have to conclude from the thirty three years of observation so far, that most of us are walking around feeling a bit smug from the fact that we have something figured out better than those around us. We know what is really going on in politics, we know how better to raise our kids than the rest of the crazy and out of control world, and our religion or atheism or free spiritual thinking is the obvious and self evident view and we are the only one's around who take notice to it's full extent. In short, we are trying our best to find our niche that defines who we are. That would be all well and good but many people, if not most, have a need to be a little wiser than the whole, without which, feel as if they are nothing. The niche gives far too many of us purpose, to an otherwise ordinary and non-special life.

Maybe the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others?

On another related topic, let's talk about being offended. We are all getting offended lately and this really offends me. With our guard up and our "I'm still special" trucker hats on, turned a little to the side so that it reflects our sassy special quality, many of us seem to get offended too quickly at opposing points of view. Offended is not the appropriate response to simply a different take on the world as you see it and that even counts if someone brings up a discussion on Euthanasia and you had your little dog "Tootles" put down the week before. You can get down about it, you can even leave early to go cry a little over Tootles, but you don't get a blank check for ripping an ass on the person who had no idea of your story and you don't get a soap box to stand on just because you have been personally effected by this topic once and you know more than most (there's that special niche again). If you get offended too easily, that says something about you, it says you have a very fragile ego.

Mother's Day

Happy mom's day! Nate got his mom a handmade present this year that he struggled with all week to keep it a secret. He almost made it.

A little Mother's Day trivia for you just because I am bored:

On the set of Mommie Dearest, little love was lost between costume designer Irene Sharaff and Faye Dunaway. "Yes, you may enter Miss Dunaway's dressing room," Sharaff once said, "but first you must throw a raw steak in - to divert her attention."

I can't wait for the movie of the story of Faye Dunaway being a bitch while fiming the movie about Joan Crawford being a bitch.

Meanest Daddy Evah!

Your kid is singing along with his Kidz Bop 7 CD alone in his room. What do you do, hot shot? What do you do?

Why, you grab the video camera, of course, and share with the world.

Playing the Odds

Of all the 4 million children who were born in 1997 in the United States (including my son);

3 million (3 out of 4) will finish high school.
760,000 (1 in 5) will attend 4 years of College.
30,000 (1 in 25) will receive a Ph.D.
3,200,000 (8 out of 10) will become parents.

And then, statistically speaking, there are the risks;

50,000 (1 out of 40) of boys will go to prison.
1,333,333 (1 in 3) will die of heart disease.
800,000 (1 in 5) will die of cancer.
7 will be struck by lightning.
1 will be attacked by a shark.

It doesn't make me want to go bubble wrap Nathan just yet, statistically speaking, he has a really good shot at a long well lived life. But still, heart disease is so high that I will be livid about him ever smoking. Especially when his grandfather has congestive heart failure.

Sneezes of Doom

A couple of weeks ago I pulled a muscle in my lower right shoulder blade. It's not that bad, in fact it's not even noticable most of the time. The only time I do notice it is when I sneeze, which causes a sharp stabbing pain in my lower right shoulder blade.

You can see how funny / tragic this is, right?

(sneeze) Ow!
(sneeze) ow.
(sneeze) .. wimper...

A Little Less Funny

The Christian's long ago would ridicule and mock the pagans for not changing their calendar to the newly observed Christian calendar. The Pagan calendar starts it's New Year on April 1st. So thus began the informal holiday of mockery and ridicule. The bit about my site being down today and me quitting writing was obviously a little joke on my part. April Fools.

About a year ago, Ray calls up and says Mitch Hedberg is in town at the University and asks if I want to go. So I did, and we went, and it was a riot to watch. The guy could talk about shaving and make it hysterically funny. Jokes about a cheese grater being called by it's proper name; a sponge ruiner to others about people banging on the wall about the noise and yelling back "There's no door here, man!"

Mitch died Wednesday of heart failure, he was a funny guy and I am glad I got to see him at least once before he was gone.

One of my sister's best friend as a kid passed away last week. I vaguely remember her but I hung out with her little brother.

The Pope is about to pass away and is getting non-stop coverage on all the networks, this just after Terri Schiavo's ordeal being waged relentlessly for days.

Mortality has been a large ugly monkey on the back this week.

Damn pagans.

Happy 8th Birthday Nate

My little boy is eight years old today! There are many birthdays but only one eighth birthday. He has his own dental floss and everything!

Yea, I don't understand either but since I have been here, he's showed off his dental floss he carries around several times.

Sothwest Airlines (or ATA actually) lost my luggage last night. As if three and a half hours wasn't enough time to get my luggage over to the right plane. Nate kept telling me he was sorry about it. Which tends to make you care a little less about your luggage missing and admire the big heart on the kid.

It's his birthday but I really needed the hug.

Today

Today is one of those days that makes you want to kick something. or burn a small cat. It's about the same on the karma scale.

stupid cats.

Have a Miserable Shlumpy Day

Today, January 24, is statistically, the most depressing / miserable day in the year according to a BBC news report. Short days of winter, less sunlight, longest time till end of year festivities, finances after Christmas, etc.

Gee, couldn't tell by the weblogs I’ve read lately. But, chin up guy's, there is a cure.

Fixin' to here write this dang post

There is an interesting article on the PBS website about tracking American dialects. There are different thoughts on the number of dialects but it's interesting in the way they are categorized.

I fall under a Midwestern dialect but have not really thought of myself as sounding Midwestern or Southern even though it's the most common dialect found in where I grew up. But mine changes from location to location. I used words and phrases in Australia that where considered normal that I just wouldn't say in Oklahoma. After some time, they even became natural to say. It almost amazed me in how my brain could switch back and forth naturally in using these in the proper environment.

Australian -
Taking the piss out of someone = Making fun of someone.
Mate = Substitute for "Dude" or "Guy". It becomes pretty easy after a while.
Good on ya = "Good Job"

Oklahoman-
Yaw'l = from "you all", = "Are you all going somewhere?"
Fixinto = As in "I am fixing to go somewhere" (yes, I do still say it some times)

As the website points out as well in Midwestern dialect, pronouncing the differences in words like Cot and Caught and Don and Dawn. I say these words exactly the same even though they should be said differently. When I do however, even if it is correct, it sounds pretentious so I just don't. It's like listening to Madona try and sound English.

Interestingly, the Midwestern dialect is the group that most largely proclaims they don't have an accent. I thought that as well at one time. It was pointed out to me by my several trips back and forth to Australia that every time I returned, my Midwestern / Southern accent had a bit more notice to it for a short while. Every time I speak to my cousin in Los Angeles, it seems to reach maximum southerness.

Finding a way.

"I publish my life on the internet and it doesn't make people want to be with me."

I found this link today and I had several different reactions to it. My first one was critical at a guy who looked like he needed to get himself together. In his ranting though, he brings up some good points and even better, a look at a poignant moment in time for a generation who grew up with this unlimited connection to the world and yet somehow still feels alone as the one before it. Maybe even more so.

His pain is genuine and was uncomfortable to watch because I have been there. Most of us have in one form or another even if we choose not to acknowledge it. I remember feeling as alone as this kid in the video does and void of any answers.

When I was in high school, I used to drive my car out to a field in the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma just so I could scream alone at the top of my lungs. I did this odd ritual from time to time because I had no other outlet and I had no one to just simply say to me "it's cool, we all feel it sometimes and life will get better if you just keep at it".

I knew this anyway deep down but some reinforcement would have helped at the time and it doesn’t make the ride getting through it any less painful.

At the end of watching this, I admired Justin for putting this video on his website. Many of us started a weblog years ago, got personal with our feelings, freaked out when other people we knew started reading it, and eventually just started posting links or killed it all together. It's hard to be honest with your feelings with other people, for some more than others.

Another line Justin says towards the end was powerful as well;
"I'm alone because of what I did, and I'm going to be alone because of what I'm doing."

In the same way I wish for world peace, I also wish for a world where you can bear your soul openly to other people and it be met only with what you were hoping for when you did so.

good luck Justin.

First Fight

Nathan was in his first fight today.

Nate actually did good in that he defended himself from being hit and tried to leave when he could. I say tried, because the other kid grabbed his coat hood and took a few more swings before it was done. Bloody nose and some tears; a right of passage I guess for a young boy, but still, pisses you off as a dad of the kid getting bullied.

Nate's okay. He recovered and the kid's dad got an earfull. Apparently, the other kid has some issues, the kind of issues that require medication.

Martin Luther King Jr.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

"When you are right you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

"I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

- Martin Luther King Jr.